Today I had my last fill. I knew that this fill would be hard as they have gotten harder with each time. The skin gets a little tighter, my chest and back muscles spasm a little more, I feel the pain a little more quickly. I can now say that I am done doing fills, for now. Once I have the trans flap back procedure we will fill once again - I have to take out 50cc to do radiation because my breasts are now 'too close together' & they do not want me to have a 'bad radiation job'.
Great, me either!
Friends, I am definitely keeping ahead for the most part but I do not want you to mistake that I do not have bad days. Nor do I want you to feel bad for me for what I'm about to tell you. It's simply a part of this process - and the reality of my life. Most days I can stay positive and upbeat and be thankful for the days that I am given & then some days when I'm in a lot of pain or I'm thinking too much and too far ahead my brain gets the best of me. I have bad days - just not too many in a row. Some days I feel like someone threw me into the ocean and I'm treading water. Sometimes I have to let my legs rest because its too much to bear, and I sink down and stay there for a while - and before I know it I'm up gasping for air and swimming again. After thinking about all I have been through and what I have had to convince myself to do - its truly amazing what your body can endure. What you can will yourself to do. Lately I have been thinking of this as a marathon swim...where sometimes I just have to let myself sink a little and gather my bearings and then I'm able to get back up to the surface and continue swimming. And then there are days when I get to float on my back.... you know when you get that back float just right and you can keep your legs up and then sun is shining on you, keeping what parts of your body that are sticking out warm... I live for back float days. They come and go... and most of the time I'm treading water. Its good for me - I'm exercising muscles I didn't know I had. And being able to exercise those muscles as a young 25 year old woman is good for me. It's teaching me patience, gratitude, self control, & self worth.
Albeit, not without the love and support from my amazing family and friends and fiancee. Who are there when I tell them I'm ''tired''. Tired usually means I'm worn out, that what I'm going through, the doctors appointment that day, or the fill, or the news that I'm having to swallow that I have to have 6 weeks of radiation is too much. They are always always always there to pick me up. Something I'll never be able to repay them for except to be eternally grateful.
And no I didn't ever want to have chemo, or a mastectomy, radiation, 4 weeks of fills, a trans flap procedure, and final implants. Those things aren't ever in any woman's plans. I see no one waiting in line outside at the Cancer Center. I wanted to get married & finish grad school. And some days coming to terms with all of that leaves me feeling defeated. But I found this quote and I think its true in this case :
"Being defeated is often a temporary condition...giving up is what makes it permanent."
I'll never ever give up. Not on this and not in anything else in life because I have been pushed beyond what I thought I could ever attain or do. The sky is the limit my friends...
XOXO
Mary Ann
Great, me either!
Friends, I am definitely keeping ahead for the most part but I do not want you to mistake that I do not have bad days. Nor do I want you to feel bad for me for what I'm about to tell you. It's simply a part of this process - and the reality of my life. Most days I can stay positive and upbeat and be thankful for the days that I am given & then some days when I'm in a lot of pain or I'm thinking too much and too far ahead my brain gets the best of me. I have bad days - just not too many in a row. Some days I feel like someone threw me into the ocean and I'm treading water. Sometimes I have to let my legs rest because its too much to bear, and I sink down and stay there for a while - and before I know it I'm up gasping for air and swimming again. After thinking about all I have been through and what I have had to convince myself to do - its truly amazing what your body can endure. What you can will yourself to do. Lately I have been thinking of this as a marathon swim...where sometimes I just have to let myself sink a little and gather my bearings and then I'm able to get back up to the surface and continue swimming. And then there are days when I get to float on my back.... you know when you get that back float just right and you can keep your legs up and then sun is shining on you, keeping what parts of your body that are sticking out warm... I live for back float days. They come and go... and most of the time I'm treading water. Its good for me - I'm exercising muscles I didn't know I had. And being able to exercise those muscles as a young 25 year old woman is good for me. It's teaching me patience, gratitude, self control, & self worth.
Albeit, not without the love and support from my amazing family and friends and fiancee. Who are there when I tell them I'm ''tired''. Tired usually means I'm worn out, that what I'm going through, the doctors appointment that day, or the fill, or the news that I'm having to swallow that I have to have 6 weeks of radiation is too much. They are always always always there to pick me up. Something I'll never be able to repay them for except to be eternally grateful.
And no I didn't ever want to have chemo, or a mastectomy, radiation, 4 weeks of fills, a trans flap procedure, and final implants. Those things aren't ever in any woman's plans. I see no one waiting in line outside at the Cancer Center. I wanted to get married & finish grad school. And some days coming to terms with all of that leaves me feeling defeated. But I found this quote and I think its true in this case :
"Being defeated is often a temporary condition...giving up is what makes it permanent."
I'll never ever give up. Not on this and not in anything else in life because I have been pushed beyond what I thought I could ever attain or do. The sky is the limit my friends...
XOXO
Mary Ann